Nauvoo, Illinois – This rare colorized photo shows a man that resembles senator and Utah attorney Kirk A. Cullimore. Scholars claim that this man posted three day eviction notice on the temple, and ejected those of the Mormon faith from Nauvoo. They believe that the man in the photo is Kingston Cullimore, a local attorney.

“From new information that we received, it seems that the posse that rolled up on Joseph Smith at the jail, was simply just a collection agency. The agency was attempting to collect three times the damages at the Illinois Temple, and when negotiations failed they shot Mr Smith. Similar eviction laws are still practiced in Utah, minus execution for non-payment.” says Jake RaDawg – a Nauvoo historian. Senator Cullimore thinks that the execution provision in the law is excessive, but believes that everything else is spot on. “If I had it my way landlords would be awarded 19 times the damages, and as a member of the Utah State Legislature I’ll do my best to make that happen. Anyone that defaults on their rent should live in a tent city, and pay legal fees for the rest of their lives. We need to send a clear message to these people and make sure they never financially recover.” said the Utah Senator. Cullimore has also backed a life extension bill in hopes that people will live longer to elongate the process of collecting legal fees. He is also trying to pass a bill that completely removes the statute of limitations on legal proceedings. “Fetch up once, and it should haunt you for the rest of your life!” said the senator.

Mr Cullimore has partnered with Mayor Erin Mendenhall on a bipartisan effort to treat homeless camp abatements like evictions with the same kind of legal fees. Mayor Mendenhall also strongly favors landlords and developers.

#parody #satire